Online freshers’ week includes drunken Zoom sex with weird guy from course

FLYING to Italy and being given a coronavirus test on arrival is far quicker and easier than trying to get one in the UK, the NHS has advised.

As the UK’s testing service continues to be as shambolic as everything else this government does, doctors have confirmed that visiting a foreign country is the most guaranteed way of getting tested within six months and 1,000 miles of home.

A government spokesman said: “Apparently in Italy they’re offering tests at the airport, which is a great idea if you think about it. We refuse to think about it.

“Instead we’ve outsourced testing to six private companies, and they’ve outsourced it to 34 other private companies, and they’ve outsourced it to a warehouse full of angry chimpanzees.

“They’re doing wacky stuff like sending people on car journeys across seven counties only to find the test centre is closed, but that’s the British sense of humour. You’ve got to laugh!”

Worried UK citizen Nikki Hollis said: “Italy gets a bad rep as being chaotic, but compared to here it’s a well-oiled machine.

“Can I just stay there and not live in Britain ever again? Oh, of course, that other national nightmare has f**ked that up.”