Five places to wear your mask to rile up the gammons

A WHITE van driver has no strong feelings towards the arse of a nearby woman, thinking it neither good, bad or worthy of comment. 

Landscape gardener Bill McKay was stopped at a junction when he noticed a female pedestrian in a pair of tight-fitting jeans, but uncharacteristically felt himself unable to take a firm stance on her arse one way or another.

He said: “My instinct was to shout ‘nice arse’, but then I took a second to reconsider if I really meant it. Frankly, it was only okay.

“So then I mulled over a couple of insults, you know, comments that implied she’d had many sexual partners but I wouldn’t like to be one of them. I was very much torn on how best to articulate these complex feelings.

“But as I idled at the lights, I had an epiphany. I found my zen and realised that I was indifferent to the arse, and that my opinion did not need to be expressed. So I drove off.

“If an arse stands on a street corner and no builders shout, is it still an arse? These are the questions I ponder now I’m becoming more enlightened.”

Arse-owner Hannah Tomlinson, aged 26, said: “I’m glad my arse has been of help on his spiritual journey. And, for the record, it’s actually pretty great.”