Couple in sexless lockdown experience taste of married life

THE reopening of Britain’s rubbish tips has seen thousands of people head down there to dispose of a fridge and get wrecked. 

Tips have been closed for a month, leaving the country with no option but to fly-tip soiled mattresses in lay-bys while having the odd can, but the reopening of council waste disposal sites has been taken as the cue for an old-fashioned party.

Nathan Muir said: “Britain’s back on the road to normal, and me, this box of old VHS tapes I need rid of and this bottle of Bulleit Frontier Whiskey are going to celebrate.

“I’m heading down the tip where me and all the other blokes will throw some shit in a skip, then crack open the booze and have a big open-air piss-up.

“It’s always a party down there. Why do you think we’re re so keen to go on a Saturday afternoon? But after six weeks of social distancing it’ll be absolutely massive.

“I just hope I don’t pass out and wake up in a skip full of rotten fibreboard on a slow boat to China again. Mind you, probably safer there than here.”