Boris Johnson’s guide to coping when your dream job goes to shit

HAS the dream job you spent your whole pathetic life angling for turned to shit? Here, speaking from experience, the prime minister tells you how to cope.

Avoid it

Once you get down to it, even a dream job is just a bunch of boring meetings. Yawn. Spice things up a bit by dodging them and watching disasters escalate whilst you relax at your country residence. This is especially entertaining if the meetings are COBRA ones.

Pull a sickie

This always looks shady, so try to come down with something contagious and incurable so nobody asks any questions. Not only will you get time off but everyone will be super-nice to you when you return. Well, for a couple of weeks at least, until you f**k things up again.

Go on lots of holidays

If you haven’t signed an employment contract you can really rinse this one for all it’s worth. And if you’re clever you can schedule it for when all the really difficult work’s due. Put your ‘out of office’ on, trek to a remote Scottish cliffside, and don’t answer your phone.

Get someone else to do the hard bits

When people start realising you’re doing a terrible job, bamboozle them by making stuff up and giving it a cool name, like ‘Moonshot’. Then force an underling to sort out the impossible details of your insane idea, like I have with Matt Hancock.

Try to get fired

Can’t quit? Don’t worry, just do your job so badly that you’re forced out of it. You might have to go to desperate lengths like breaking the law or something, but it’ll be worth it in the long run when you’re writing your memoirs on Mustique and all this hard work bollocks is just a distant dream.