How to enjoy being a petty-minded snitch

A ILL-JUDGED bedtime routine can ruin the whole of the next day. These simple habits will ensure you wake up completely buggered from the outset:

A late-night fourth meal

It may begin as one biscuit, but before you know it you’ve polished off the leftover curry and followed it with a family-sized bag of Kettle Chips. The subsequent gut hangover will completely ruin your morning while leaving you deeply ashamed.

A new TV show

Just one episode, then the next, then you’ve binged five hours and it’s 3am. Go for a true crime series and even when you do tear yourself away to collapse into bed your mind will be racing with the gory details and you’ll be too disturbed for a wink of sleep anyway.

A last coffee

Knocking back a strong coffee late in the evening will perk you up a little, but only a little. It’ll also leave you grinding your teeth until dawn with only occasional interludes of disturbed sleep where you’re dreaming you’re still awake.

A quick social media scroll

Tell yourself you’ll just take a quick glance at Facebook on the loo and you’ll wash up in bed three hours later with throbbing haemorrhoids, five new conspiracy theories to mull over and an old schoolmate’s success to lie there resenting.

A nightcap

The thought of a soporific shot of whisky or relaxing glass of red may make you feel like you’re Don Draper or a sophisticated continental, but things won’t seem so suave and romantic when the alarm goes off the the morning and you feel old, groggy and shit.

A big clear-out

There’s nothing like 11pm as the moment to start Marie Kondoing. Once the fire of revolution has been lit it’s bound to burn bright until the early hours, and then you can lie awake until dawn changing your mind about what to rescue from the bin bags.

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