Category دیلی ماش

Young people have forgotten how to do sex

IT is vital that women know what men on the internet think is wrong with their bodies. Here’s how to go about this noble work.  

Offer constructive criticism

Something you might encounter is women not adhering to unrealistic beauty standards. They may be over a certain arbitrary weight – for example, larger than a professional model – or have common features of the human body, like hair. This is unacceptable, so explain they are too fat or hairy so they can do something about it. They’ll thank your for it later.

Compliment them with sexual comments

If a woman is even slightly curvaceous, it’s your duty to make a grossly inappropriate comment. Compliment them on their ‘funbags’, or boost their self-esteem by saying you would definitely have sex with them...

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Agree a wanking schedule: Your guide to going back to working from home

BOUGHT a pricey mask, got a Pret subscription, risked your life on public transport – only to be sent home from the office? Here’s how to cope with working in the kitchen again.

Take everything from the office home with you

Pick up all the files you might conceivably need for the next year. You might also like to take all the pens, handy things like scissors, the petty cash and the coffee machine if you can fit it in your bag. 

Immediately do less work

Now the novelty of working from home has worn off your motivation should dip accordingly. Ignore emails and stay in bed until half 10 if you like. You’re facing six months of isolation and awkward Zoom meetings so you can’t be expected to be enthusiastic.

Get out of tasks due to the ‘uncertainty’

Inform clients and colleagues t...

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The man’s guide to commenting on women’s bodies online

IT is vital that women know what men on the internet think is wrong with their bodies. Here’s how to go about this noble work.  

Offer constructive criticism

Something you might encounter is women not adhering to unrealistic beauty standards. They may be over a certain arbitrary weight – for example, larger than a professional model – or have common features of the human body, like hair. This is unacceptable, so explain they are too fat or hairy so they can do something about it. They’ll thank your for it later.

Compliment them with sexual comments

If a woman is even slightly curvaceous, it’s your duty to make a grossly inappropriate comment. Compliment them on their ‘funbags’, or boost their self-esteem by saying you would definitely have sex with them...

Read More

Dog really not sure who left massive dog shit in living room

BOUGHT a pricey mask, got a Pret subscription, risked your life on public transport – only to be sent home from the office? Here’s how to cope with working in the kitchen again.

Take everything from the office home with you

Pick up all the files you might conceivably need for the next year. You might also like to take all the pens, handy things like scissors, the petty cash and the coffee machine if you can fit it in your bag. 

Immediately do less work

Now the novelty of working from home has worn off your motivation should dip accordingly. Ignore emails and stay in bed until half 10 if you like. You’re facing six months of isolation and awkward Zoom meetings so you can’t be expected to be enthusiastic.

Get out of tasks due to the ‘uncertainty’

Inform clients and colleagues t...

Read More

New Covid tracing app gives you Covid

DO you think you’re impressing people by quoting wise sayings? Check they’re not the following overused phrases and you actually sound like a twat.

‘Never interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake’

Very probably Napoleon, and used by twats to imply they are a brilliant military thinker too. It’s unlikely the self-made Emperor of France said it to sound clever while on his fifth pint of lager and watching a football match in the pub on Sky Sports.

‘If you tell a lie big enough, people will believe it’

Questionable, particularly if the source is not-very-stable dictator Adolf Hitler. Now just a cliche often used to describe the UK government’s pathetic lying, which supporters don’t believe anyway, they just love Brexit and hate immigrantion.

‘He’s not the messiah,...

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Five sayings twats think are clever but everyone has heard

DO you think you’re impressing people by quoting wise sayings? Check they’re not the following overused phrases and you actually sound like a twat.

‘Never interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake’

Very probably Napoleon, and used by twats to imply they are a brilliant military thinker too. It’s unlikely the self-made Emperor of France said it to sound clever while on his fifth pint of lager and watching a football match in the pub on Sky Sports.

‘If you tell a lie big enough, people will believe it’

Questionable, particularly if the source is not-very-stable dictator Adolf Hitler. Now just a cliche often used to describe the UK government’s pathetic lying, which supporters don’t believe anyway, they just love Brexit and hate immigrantion.

‘He’s not the messiah,...

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Every Leave voter to have a lorry parked on their driveway

LOCKDOWN 2 is here, promising to be as good as Ghostbusters 2. These six movies should make you realise being stuck at home again isn’t so bad. Or not: 

A Quiet Place

A family have to live silently in a cellar or be torn limb-from-limb by alien monsters with sensitive hearing. Emily Blunt has to give birth without a sound. Working from home for months can grind you down, but it’s pretty chilled compared to this.

The Great Escape

Being incarcerated in the house can feel like Stalag Luft, with family members much less cool than Steve McQueen. But you can leave the front garden without being machine-gunned, and it won’t last six years. Unless the government still can’t sort test-and-trace which is a distinct possibility.

The Shawshank Redemption

There’s a curfew on pubs and you can’...

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You’re ruining this for me

DO you know how long I’ve wanted to be prime minister? My whole life. And I finally get here and what happens? You, the British people, seem determined to ruin it. 

It was going to be so great. I was going to be walking out into Parliament, firing out quips, passing bills, bamboozling the EU, effortlessly whipping Britain into a brilliant new age. They were going to call me the Golden King.

But then what happens? I’ve barely got my feet under the desk, I’ve had no more than three holidays, and you rotten bastards start coughing. And dying. And apparently it’s my job to do something about it.

Well I did. I locked down. That was bloody Churchillian...

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Six films to make you count your blessings about lockdown, or maybe not

LOCKDOWN 2 is here, promising to be as good as Ghostbusters 2. These six movies should make you realise being stuck at home again isn’t so bad. Or not: 

A Quiet Place

A family have to live silently in a cellar or be torn limb-from-limb by alien monsters with sensitive hearing. Emily Blunt has to give birth without a sound. Working from home for months can grind you down, but it’s pretty chilled compared to this.

The Great Escape

Being incarcerated in the house can feel like Stalag Luft, with family members much less cool than Steve McQueen. But you can leave the front garden without being machine-gunned, and it won’t last six years. Unless the government still can’t sort test-and-trace which is a distinct possibility.

The Shawshank Redemption

There’s a curfew on pubs and you can’...

Read More

The things about Britain’s shite trains that won’t be changing

DO you know how long I’ve wanted to be prime minister? My whole life. And I finally get here and what happens? You, the British people, seem determined to ruin it. 

It was going to be so great. I was going to be walking out into Parliament, firing out quips, passing bills, bamboozling the EU, effortlessly whipping Britain into a brilliant new age. They were going to call me the Golden King.

But then what happens? I’ve barely got my feet under the desk, I’ve had no more than three holidays, and you rotten bastards start coughing. And dying. And apparently it’s my job to do something about it.

Well I did. I locked down. That was bloody Churchillian...

Read More